I was sitting in a lecture on prayer, which has been very moving and exciting, and she was nearing the end of her lecture, the lecturer, that is, and I was thinking about my desire to speak or tell someone about the insights I had been gleaning from this lecture. Then an image came into my head, to describe the way I was feeling, and I immediately flipped to the back of my notebook and ripped out a page and began to write, and the images and music, the structure and, well, the words, kept flooding, until I had this poem in about two minutes. It's very exciting when this happens, but it's never happened this rapidly, and with such a complex and integrated poem.

I have words

I have words
Waiting to cry out
Waiting to scream and wail
Through weeping sing.

We know that words
Wait in worlds around us
Looking like the shafts of light
To settle in the movement of my soul
Like rays that lend a gracious hue.

And I have words to the Eternal
And though they came from me they came from You.
Once waiting on Your dwelling heart
They wait on You
Through groaning truth
And ceaseless praise.

Here are a few more poems that I have written since Bible School started.

Written Oct. 9

Lord, You have set my mind upon Your thrown
My heart upon Your glory.
From where else can my hope be found?
You have set my soul upon Your steadfast love
My body on Your Sabbath’s endless rest.
And You have set Your Spirit on my spirit.
You’ve unearthed joy to seal my very soul.

Here’s another. Oct.11. If you have questions about this one, I’d love to answer them…it’s about how God really put a lot of my spiritual journey into perspective. Very pivotal, to make a huge understatement. Here goes:

My spirit was embittered
And I wondered if Your word had
Once or ceased to light my path.
But then You laid me in green pastures
Let me see the quiet waters
Living waters which You used to light my way—
Like Asaph in the comfort of Your temple,
Which I know in me You’ve made—
And then I understood.

Like Moses, You have made me stand,
But You lead me in Your promised land.

And one more. This isn’t spiritual, in the faith sense. I’ve been listening finally to some heavy Rachmaninoff. It was funny actually, the other day it was work day and the women of Capernwray were going to clean our rooms..so we set out tea and cookies and chocolate for them to consume while my “Tea Time” playlist of classical and romantic music played on. They loved the music, and lately I haven’t been able to put the piano concertos down. Anyways, here’s the poem, inspired by his second concerto in C minor, the best key.

Piano Concerto

Rachmaninoff bids the whole world listen
With brightness hope, with sorrow sing.
Each conjecture glowing in its fermentation
Beweeps each melody to its grave.
In wrestling we cede our sighs.
In rest our aspirations writhe in pain.
Sweet glints of specters vibrate in our bones
And we, entrenched in darkness, glimpse
That passed climax
The denouement
That zenith spent.
What souls behold no mind can breathe.


In other news, I have had delicious Yorkshire pudding two days in a row now, and I finally sent off my absentee ballot, with the help of a charming English lady who couldn’t believe I was from California because of my “very clear diction.” One more vote in the bag for my old baseball coach, and a presidential nominee I’ve never liked, and the propaganda mail didn’t help…READ the book of Exodus…it will change your life!

I saw an amazing sunset the other day from the castle tower (not to be confused with the clock tower, under which I live.) It is such a hackneyed subject, sunsets, so it suffice to say that it was as good as anyone could imagine it--that it was a clear day, with lots of clouds, which became very orange and glowing. The best part was that just to the right of the "luminous area" (to steal a phrase from Joseph Conrad) was the mountains (hills really) of the Lake District, and that the place the sun actually set was right over the ocean. When all I see all day is rolling green hills and sheep, I did not realize how close I was to the Irish Sea. If conditions had been right, I probably would have seen a green flash. But both views, the Lake District and the sea, have been in places that I spent some time last weekend. The trip to the Lake District was amazing. We went to two Lakes, Windmere and Grassmere. And they were amazing. Of course, it was raining worse than the staff admit to it ever have been on this hike, so there was a lot of trudging through veritable waterfalls and such. But it was amazing to see the mountains through the fog and stand just three feet from the rim of the swelling Grassmere, seeing the wind's rippling and being drenched. It was absolutely spectacular. This was followed by lunch in a nice cafe, where I ordered what I thought would be the grossest thing on the menu, which it was: This cheesy broccoli pie that was chilled. But the Earl Grey Tea was great. We also got lost on the trip, running up and down the hills trying to find the bus stop in the wrong direction. But I made it back before hypothermia kicked in. The next day I went with Bethany and our friend Misty to the sea, with Uncle Bob and Aunt Jennifer. We went to KFC, which was just not the same with "chips" instead of mashed potatoes and no biscuits. But the promenade along the ocean was also spectacular. This time it was sunny and even warm at times. It's been a fun second week here and I'm getting more and more adjusted. Today it's very sunny and the hills are calling me. I'm about to go on a hike, before winning a dodgeball then volleyball tournament later today! Have a good day everyone.

Blog

Nothing short of preternatural would be the way I describe what just felt like the longest week of my life. I’m not entirely sure why I and so many other Capernwray students felt this way. For the most part the lectures were interesting, and there was always enough to do and people to meet (and remeet awkwardly). I don’t think it was out of boredom that by my fourth day here I could not believe that it was only Tuesday. Maybe it was just the sheer volume of experiences that normally would take up about four months of my life. Needfull to say, I am very tired. I often feel that I have reached my limits, as far as my extroversion is concerned, but then everyone gathers to watch the Office, or there is pizza, or a toga birthday party (I had to explain what a toga was to one of my German roommates). I’ve really enjoyed the lecture times so far, and some of the lectures. My desk has a perfect view out the window of the highest hill in sight, dotted with sheep rain or shine (they don’t shrink when it rains.) I’ve really enjoyed, and emotionally resonated, with a serious of lectures on prayer. One concept that I found very compelling was the lecturer’s discussion of temperaments and their effect on prayer life. In addition to giving very sound advice and cautions based on tendencies in one’s personality (like introverts need to learn how to pray with people, and intuitives need to ground their prayer life in Scripture rather than symbols…or anything crazy, however mysterious could happen), she gave examples of Biblical characters who fit certain temperaments. Now it all makes sense that Jeremiah and John are by far my favorite human authors of Scripture. It’s been raining a lot, but rain is still a luxury for me. When I see it, I have hope for a future where there is enough water to sustain life. It probably rained more this week than in does the whole winter in Stockton. There’s a lot of fun people here and it’s getting better and better. And at the times I needed it most, I have had really good deep conversations with people, about life or God, Genesis, what have you. In addition to becoming part of a worship team for the Capernwray winter school, I will be playing special music with a violinist and a guitarist at a local church a week from Sunday. I have also joined an indoor cricket team, and it is fun for all the Americans (there are 7 British students here, literally) to use baseball terminology while playing. “Can you field line drives?” “Nice cut.” “Pop fly last time.” “Good arm.” “Good eye.” “Hey batter batter batter…” Though I have had some insecurities and worries, I feel like God has really answered my prayers that I would be comfortable here and find places and people to fit in with. One of my biggest anxieties always hits me at the best moments, and that is that I can’t fully share my experiences with my family and friends back home. It has certainly become hard to be away, and so far at that. It doesn’t make sense that I should feel any different being two hours away rather than eight time zones way, but this is how I feel. I have a lot more respect now for people who go off to college, because I certainly didn’t understand what it would mean for me when I decided to come here, and afterward study in Pennsylvania for four years. But I’m having a great time, and right now have to get ready to watch the Office. Hope everyone’s doing well! I’m praying for you all.
-John

Hello Everyone,
Bethany and I finally made it to Capernwray Hall, which as we now know is in the county of Lancashire, near the town of Carnforth and a little farther away from Lancaster, all in the North, just below the Lake District (which is why the three actual British people here...there's probably a couple dozen...have come here, I hear). It is amazing. A few people have used the word surreal to describe being here...I've never really understood what that word means, but it is really cool, and exciting. I'm staying with about 9 other guys in a large dorm the staff here call "the zoo." It's interesting that there are about 170 students here, and only 50 guys. In the three days we've been here, the men of Capernwray have already banded together, and, of our own accord, decided to create the first Olympic-like continuous epic-battle sort of thing at Capernwray. It sounds a little silly, but it's really great. It's the Tower, where I live, verses the Beehive, the unfortunate name of the other boys dorm area. However, divisive this may appear, we, the men that is, are still meeting for Bible studies that we're organizing, and the occasional meeting in strategic positions in the castle to circle up and block the women of Capernwray from passing. Well, enough of that...I could go on and on. It's been really bright and sunny so far, though it rained a little this morning. There are a lot of sheep and the countryside around is is very beautiful. The food's edible, which is good, I hear, for England, and there are several pianos. Debussy has already graced the lounge area, along with Chopin and Brahms. But then they get usurped, invariably, and chopsticks (by some composer I must not be familiar with) takes their place. I'm having a lot of fun, and really enjoy English culture...probably just because it feels so much like all the foreignness I associate with Europe. My roommates are great! Especially if they may be reading this. A whole bunch of Americans, some Canadians and some Germans, and one Brit. We haven't started official lectures yet, but we have done a lot of singing. It is very spiritual here, and I'm really excited. I know that I'll really grow a lot at Capernwray and know that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I would really appreciate your prayers, as I grow deeper with God this year. Well, I have to go start reading the Old Testament. I have six months. Hope everyone has a good day!

We finally got John's camera out, and have been taking some England pictures. We're looking at them right now. One of John looks especially good. It has been quite sunny here in Sheffield, especially at the Roberts' bordering on the countryside. We went to an old gargoyle-gilded church, with its well-old cemetary on Sat. (after John had to make a mad dash to a Tesco for some SPF 50) Yes, it was a bit creepy chasing running around on top of 400 year old parishioners, but it was really fascinating. And the sun glowing in its descent perfectly capped what was described to us as the quintessential English landscape, with its rolling green hills. We also had a delightful pasta lunch the next day. We went to a great church with Roberts. One of the cool things they did was read Isaiah 40, and prayed for everyone who was weary (in any way). We both stood up to receive prayer and it was very rejuvinating and freeing. A lot of my nervousness about school and tiredness from travel (this is John) was really lifted. It was just really powerful being there with a lot of people our age of all different backgrounds praying for each other and worshiping together. Then, we went deeper into Sheffield, where a lot of Somalis lived, to stay at the very tall home of Mr. and Mrs. Ray. We live in their attic, which is awesome, and they are awesome. We explored Sheffield on our own today. It rained for the first time today. It drizzled all day. Maman died today. But we still had fun, figuring out the tram system and stuff. We went to this big mall, and spent most of the time looking and laughing at books in a very good little bookstore. Then we went to a French cafe. Then we wandered around town lost until we found a huge green house garden with lots of cactus and palm trees, and then an art gallery/library with many portraits and religious scenes. The Indian food we ate that night, with the Rays, was amazing. Tomorrow mom and dad/uncle and aunt are coming up and we're excited about that. I (and this is Bethany) am especially excited that they will be taking some of our burdensome luggage for us. It is also important to add that the Rays have an incredible collection of books in their house. I recommend The Islamist, Ed Husain's memoir about extremism in England. Have a great day!

We're here!! We made it...

After a long flight and a long train trip with too much luggage, we finally made it to Sheffield... We were exhausted, since we might have slept one hour out of the 35 of traveling, and hadn't eaten in something like 10 hours... But we were both exited to be here at last. We're staying with some friend's of Bethany's from Djibouti, in a beautiful location... with an amazing view at the lush green english hills... the weather, unusually, is not bad, nice and sunny, although a little cold for Bethany of course, but not John. Obviously (by the quality of our writing) we are still getting over jet-lag...

We will be in Sheffield for a week, before taking the train up to Capernwray on the 27th. 

We miss you all so much.

lots of love, Jacques and Bethany

We leave in 10 hours...aaaaaaah

Well, now my real emotions are kicking in, and have been going for the better part of the day. However apt Hamlet allusions may have been in my first post, I now know what it feels like for me, not John Donne, the night before I leave for college. It was sunny today in Stockton, and cold, hinting at the weather to which I'll have to grow accustomed. I spent a great deal of my time today, after scramblevacbagpacking, compiling and editing a number of poems to send to an anthology looking for poems about the American West. So I explored again the Eastern Sierras, and Catalina, Hawaii, the Sea Ranch, Victory Park, and the other aspects of California life that have found their way into my philosophical and spiritual musings. Then to cap off the irony, I wrote in the required bio that I was studying in England this year. It was good though, to think about my life in California, or generally, the American West, and what I will miss and what it will be like to change. I'm really going to miss my family, and while I can't bring myself to deprecatingly reciprocate, my dog will miss me. He literally (not virtually or figuratively) followed me around my house today, three feet behind, even when I noticed and tried to out-maneuver him around and through the rooms. I know it's going to be really hard for Daniel, and I will be happy to wake up bright and early tomorrow (after excited and anxious sleep) to say goodbye before he goes to school, avoiding an awkward 'night!-but-goodbye-i'm-leaving-and-won't-see-you-till-Christmas. I'm not that excited about the plane ride, but it's always an adventure with a cousin who, unlike her amiable-enough sister, won't sleep the whole way. I have a lot of riveting fiction and, yes, some supple nonfiction to read, and Bethany and I have some other things to work on. I eagerly anticipate our week in Sheffield, especially when we go to the Somali district, or whatever it is. Of course, that means lots of spaghetti, but I joke that it will be "pesto," but really green with khat. On verra. Thanks for all your prayers. Goodbye.